Finding permanent resolutions

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By Gene Sears

Break any New Years resolutions yet?
    Chances are you did, and if so, you’re certainly not alone. Thirty percent of all resolutions fall within the first month, according to statistics. More than half die within six months, and of the remaining 50 percent, half of those are made by masochists that would have found some way or other to quit having fun, regardless of resolutions.    

    The remaining 25 percent is nothing to base your future on.
    Me? For this year, I gave up quoting statistics, so feel free to disregard the above.
    So goes my annual casting off of the resolutions, a yearly ritual designed to make me feel even more ineffectual losing the resolutions than I did making them. Most get tossed right away, but this time, I’m hanging in there with some, provided the effort is low enough. Like my workout regimen.
    Since I had already committed to going to the gym three times a week before Christmas, I resolved to shave off a few pounds in the new year. I’m now up an additional three, so maybe my hot tub stretches aren’t working. I’ll give it another month, no need to rush things. Besides, I’m making some new friends, satisfying yet another resolution.
    My wife makes resolutions just so she can lord them over me, not to actually accomplish anything. Six months from now, long after my best intentions have withered and died on the vine, she’ll pop up and say, “See? I haven’t eaten a single CornNut all year. What do you have to say for yourself?”
    Pointing out that she hates CornNuts only makes me look petty, and more than a little bitter. Pointing out that her resolutions are pointless only gets me bruised. Maybe  this year I can get her to resolve not to pinch me, though I doubt she’ll give up that leverage. What I will point out is that quitting CornNuts, like not breaking nails, or not poking through new pantyhose with a toe,  is an example of what she likes to call her ‘permanent resolutions,’ stuff so easy to discontinue it’s like giving up goose liver or head cheese for Lent.
    The most I can hope for is a little more self-discipline in my own daily routine, something I think I’ve managed with this year’s list of my very own permanent resolutions.  It’s a stack, but one I think I can live with:

  n    Leave the toilet seat up. Even if I didn’t use it that way.
  n    Work less. Nothing kills good intentions quicker than honest labor.
  n    Work more beer into my daily regimen. Alternate with tequila, for max results.
  n    Hide in the garage on chore days.
  n    Hide in the garage when the wife finds out I’ve been hiding out on chore days.
  n    Learn to speak Dog, not just Doglish. There is a difference.

    The way I figure it, those should keep me busy well into 2011. And if my resolve fails on these, simple as they seem, no worries, my wife will understand. If not, there’s always the garage…